Love, Guilt and Stubborn Comedians
by faultyarcreactor
Summary: Time Frame: 1978 (Before Life of Brian) "It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love." - John Lennon A John Cleese x Michael Palin Fic Michael drowned in grief, John reeling from his divorce, the two are forced to face feelings that they have both actively avoided for years.


**Slight AU: Michael's wife has died. I don't hate Helen Palin just to clarify, I am sure that she is a wonderful woman and Michael seemingly has lived a happy and love filled marriage with her. I only killed her off in this as I thought two divorces would be boring, and John is infamous for his divorces so it made more sense to have him divorced. There is also a line about John having erectile dysfunction, which I'll just presume he's never had and say it's not true. Set pre – Life of Brian (1978).**

John Cleese was a tall, ornery and sometimes unpleasant man. A rather frightening contrast to his fellow Pythons it has to be said. Eric Idle was very charming, however slightly perverse. Terry Gilliam was utterly manic, and sometimes unable to articulate the frantic thoughts that darted about in his mind that nobody else could seem to grasp. Terry Jones was Welsh, which he often tried to deny despite the fact his name gave it away almost instantaneously. Michael Palin was the baby of the group, a bumbling, sweet, stereotypically British gentleman. Graham Chapman, was eccentric. He hadn't lost the pipe no matter how many time David had hidden it from him, and he was still very open about his sexual life. But, he was the most talented actor of the group so they let it slide. Their last project, The Holy Grail had had a fantastic reception, and now they were here to discuss the details of their upcoming film, and once again John and Michael were face to face with something about themselves that they had tried to shelter for many years. And, it hurt them more than either of them cared to admit.

It was almost a year and a half since the death of Michael's wife Helen, she'd fought a courageous battle with a lengthy and devastating terminal illness. He knew her death was coming, after the diagnosis she only had a year to live and Michael was able to prepare himself for the worst. Seeing her go through such pain really did upset him, however he wasn't as upset as the rest of her relatives. He felt, free almost. He loved his Helen, he really did and he loved their children with all of his heart. The sex was never amazing, and it certainly did nothing to please him, but it was something he could overlook if he imagined somebody else in her place. Their life together had been wonderful, but the only reason he ever asked Helen out in the first place was to distract him from somebody else. That somebody else, being John Cleese.

John enjoyed spending time with the Pythons despite how much they frustrated him to his wits end. With how things were at home currently, spending time with Terry Jones was almost as pleasurable as sex. John had Connie had been bickering ludicrously for weeks on end, and now that Connie was staying with her parents John had been bombarded with calls demanding that he found a divorce lawyer. The notion of splitting up with Connie did hurt as he had really grown to care about her, however "loving her" and "making love to her" never really appealed to him. Only one person held his love, and that was Michael Palin.

"Mike, are you alright holding Sally?" Terry Jones asked, glancing to where Michael was sat on the sofa, playing peek-a-boo with his young daughter.

"I'm fine Terry dear"

"Where are your three today Michael?" Eric inquired.

"With my parents"

"Are you sure she isn't being a bother? I can take her if you want, Alison will be home soon anyway and she'll probably want to spend time with her."

Trust Terry to be constantly worrying over him "Terry stop fussing, I don't mind holding her" Michael smiled, tickling Sally under the chin, making her squirm with laughter. "It's comforting, since today is, you know…"

"What's today?" Eric asked nonchalantly, flicking through the newspaper.

"Um, Helen's birthday" Michael replied awkwardly.

The room filled with a very uncomfortable silence, the three other people in the room (Terry J, Eric and Terry G) having completely forgotten what day it was. "Oh, um, sorry I asked" Eric mumbled in apology.

"Its fine Eric" Michael sighed, kissing Sally on the head and handing her back to Terry. "I'm okay, it's only her birthday. It's not like she's in my arms again, crying and telling me that she doesn't want to die, begging me to save her and make her better when we both knew full well no bloody doctors or medical miracles could save her let alone me!" he yelled, becoming more upset with every word. He was incredibly sensitive when it came to his wife's death. He would've continued however the doorbell rang and he excused himself to the garden, feeling his tears well up.

"I'll get the door" Eric sighed.

"Afternoon Idle" John smiled "Why the sad face?"

"I think I've upset Michael" Eric grimaced, leading John into the lounge.

"How?"

"Today's Helen's birthday, and I didn't remember. And he mentioned that today was a special day I asked what it was, and he stormed off crying."

John pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Where is he?"

"In the garden"

"I'll go and talk to him" John answered. Tentatively, he made his way into the garden. He found Michael curled up on the garden bench pressed against the wall of the house, staring whimsically at the grass. "Hello Michael"

"Hello John" Michael whimpered in reply.

"Can I sit down?"

Michael nodded. John perched on the bench next to him.

"Eric said he thinks you're upset."

"Not" Michael murmured, before frantically wiping his eyes with his sleeves and turning away.

"You're allowed to be sad"

"I know"

"Then why are you being so secretive about it?"

"Not"

"Michael". John's tone was firm.

"I just freak out at the tiniest things, that's all. Makes me feel stupid."

"But you know that we don't mind, you're allowed to grieve."

"I know"

John sighed inwardly. "How old would she have been?"

"Thirty six. Just like me"

"How did she like to celebrate her birthday" John questioned, hoping maybe if he showed a positive interest in Helen then Michael would remember he and be able to smile.

"I'd always make her a cake" Michael smiled.

"But you're an awful cook"

"I know, but that was all a part of the fun. I'd make her a chocolate cake every year and ice her age onto it. I always got her a book, she liked reading. And I would usually get her clothes, and a record. I got her a car once, her first car. She cried when she saw it, out of happiness though!" Michael chucked through his tears.

"Did you ever have sex in it" John laughed back. Michael's cheeks turned red. "Michael!" John was guffawing by this point. "How many times?"

"Only three or four time-"

"Three or four!"

"Don't sound so surprised! Graham shags people all the time! In all sorts of places!"

John hummed in agreement. He knew all too well about shagging Graham.

"Anyway, she was never a fan of experimenting in the bedroom."

"Neither is Connie"

"But anyway, back to where we were. The children would always shower her with presents. Of course, I'd have to buy them, they are only children. She deserved to be spoilt. We'd always go out for a meal in the evening, just the two of us. I'd hold her hand as we walked home, and give her my coat. Put an arm around her waist, kiss her cheek, whisper in her ear what I was going to do to her when we got home, and how much I loved her –"Michael's voice broke on the last word, and soon he was in floods of tears again.

"Oh Michael" John sighed, and he pull Michael into his chest. "Let it out, don't worry about soaking my shirt."

So Michael cried. His entire body shook with the weight of his emotions, and tear by tears he pulled himself further into John's chest. A part of him relished in the warmth of John's embrace.

John rubbed small circles on Michael's back as to help even out his breathing. Truthfully, he didn't really care too much that Michael's wife was dead, despite how heartless it made him. With Helen gone and John's marriage virtually over it left open the possibility of John and Michael becoming a couple. But Michael wasn't gay, he wouldn't be this upset over his dead wife if he was gay.

Slowly, Michael's sobs began to ease and he started to calm down. Without even realising it, he had shuffled into John's lap and wrapped an arm around John's waist. In turn, one of John's arms was rubbing his back and the other holding his trembling hand.

"I didn't deserve her" Michael whimpered.

"Of course you did, you loved her"

"Not the love she deserved" Michael murmured, burying his head further into John's chest. He was right when he said he hadn't deserved Helen, she deserved somebody who loved her unconditionally and was full of grief after she died, and that wasn't gay. He'd known he was gay since he was twelve years old, and despite his long marriage to Helen, he'd never once experienced any attraction to women. It wasn't fair, she'd spent her entire life with somebody who didn't love her. They'd had children together, and it was all a lie. Truthfully, this upset him more than her actual death had. This was the reason he cried whenever somebody mentioned her name, the reason he could never look his children in the eye. Because he knew his entire life, had been one huge cover up.

John and Michael were so wrapped up in their cuddling session that neither of them noticed Graham wander over to the bench and lean upon the wall.

"Afternoon ladies" Graham quipped.

Immediately, the pair broke away from each other.

Graham chuckled. "How are you feeling Michael? Eric said you were a bit upset"

"'I'm okay, just got a bit upset over Helen. John cheered me up"

Graham looked a blushing John up and down. "I can see." Graham shot a knowing look towards John, causing John to divert his eyes away instantly. "Do you want a hug?"

Michael nodded, and leaned into Graham's chest. "I'll suck you off if it makes you feel any better" Graham chuckled, and Michael giggled into his chest. "Do you want to go back inside now?" he asked, pressing a kiss into Michael's hair.

"Okay, I'm a bit hungry"

"Do you want me to get you something to eat? What do you think you can manage?"

Michael shrugged, leaning further into Graham's chest. John cringed at Michael's behaviour, he seemed so weak and childlike, he needed the others to take care of him.

"We'll find something, come on" Graham smiled gently, taking Michael's hand like he was a toddler.

Michael looked down at their joined hands. "David?" he enquired, looking away embarrassed.

"He's in the lounge, he won't mind. He knows I don't fancy you. And that you definitely don't fancy me, you aren't a queer."

"Bu-"

"Michael, please don't argue. I want to take care of you, we've been friends for a long time, it's my job. You'd do the same for me. Now, let's go and get you some food, yes?"

"Okay. But I can do it myself you know" Michael nodded, wondering into the kitchen.

John made his way back into the living room and collapsed into a chair. He took an elongated gulp of his drink, and zoned into watching the football on the television.

"Is he alright John?" Terry enquired.

"Huh?"

"Is Michael alright?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Gray's getting him food and taking care of him like he's a two year old." John said with a fair bit of resentment, jealous at how Michael was clinging to Graham.

"He needs it" Eric sighed. "Ever since Helen died he's become so weak and vulnerable. I know he's the youngest out of us all, but he's not a baby. We really need to find a way to bring him out of his slump."

"He's been in a slump for a bloody year and a half." John sulked.

"He wouldn't be so depressed all the time if he had a girlfriend" Terry Gilliam quipped, speaking for the first time since John arrived.

"He needs to get laid" David added.

"You sound too much like Graham" John scolded, sinking further into his seat.

"Terry does have a point, I think he needs to start dating again."

"He can probably hear you from the kitchen"

"It doesn't matter, we want him to hear this"

"We can't force him" John argued.

"Trying to keep him for yourself John?" Terry smirked. The others grimaced, sensing another argument on the horizon.

John could feel the blood pulsing in the seething veins potrouding on his forehead. "Shut it Jones."

"Hit a nerve have I John?"

"'Course you bloody haven't. I'm not gay! I just don't want you forcing Michael into anything!"

"I'm not forcing him into anything John! We all think he needs to start dating again. Love trumps all else. He's just so incredibly depressed all the time; in all the years that he's been my best friend I've never seen him like this"

"Never seen who like this?" Michael asked as he entered the living room.

"Nobody Michael" John smiled. He patted the space next to him. "Come, you can't cuddle Graham forever, he has a partner"

"Wasn't cuddling him! I'm not trying to steal him! I'm not like that! I swear I wasn't cuddling him David!"

"I know you aren't Michael, don't worry. I know you aren't trying to steal him." David Sherlock smiled, realising Michael needed to hear a soothing, teacher like tone to calm him. "Though, I wouldn't mind if you did, his snoring is loud and obscene."

"I heard that!" Graham yelled from the kitchen. Laughter tickled everyone's stomachs, even Michael's.

"Come and sit down Michael" John smiled, and Michael sunk into the chair next to him. Graham appeared shortly after, carrying a plate of food for Michael.

"Thanks Gray" Michael grinned, taking the plate and beginning to nibble on some sandwiches.

"Only eat what you can Mikey. Don't force yourself." Jones crooned.

"For god's sake Jones he's not four, he can eat a bloody plate of food by himself"

"I'm just looking out for him!"

"He had a cry in the back garden not a bloody seizure! He can take care of himself"

"Guys, shut up" Eric groaned. This was a far too regular occurrence.

Michael finished off his sandwiches and struggled through half a pack of crisps. "John?"

"Yes Mike?"

"I can't eat anymore."

"That's alright. Let me take your plate for you, I need a drink anyway."

"I'll do it. I'm okay. As you said, I'm not a baby" Michael replied, seemingly having calmed down. He swiped the chocolate bar from his plate and fiddled with the wrappings once he entered the kitchen.

"Want some help with that?" John asked. Michael handed it over, watching with eager, childlike eyes and John unwrapped it.

"No golden ticket. What a shame"

Michael smiled.

"Do you want a drink?" John asked, making his way to the kettle. "Tea, coffee, cider?" He continued, sifting through the cupboards. "Actually, I don't think Jones has any coffee. What do you want instead Mike?"

"Tea please. And um, sorry about my little outburst earlier."

"It's perfectly alright"

"No, it's not, I need to get my emotions into check. For the children's sake, and for yours. You guys shouldn't have to look after me"

"Michael, we like looking after you. We all look after each other. It's this thing called friendship"

"Even so, you shouldn't feel the need to babysit me constantly."

"Knowing Graham, he's probably into that sort of thing, if you catch my drift." John tutted as he brought his cup of tea to his lips.

Michael laughed at that, and when John heard his laugh it made the entire world bright up. It'd been so long since he'd heard him laugh and genuinely mean. His laugh was sweet and sophisticated, and he threw his head back in delight when he did so. A wide grin etched itself on both his cheeks, spreading wide from ear to ear. His teeth gleamed and his long brown hair rested delicately above his eyelids. To John, he looked beautiful.

"Maybe not John, but that doesn't mean you have to care for me like I'm a senile old man, I'm only thirty six"

"You should tell that to your face"

And Michael laughed again.

When John woke up the next day he could hear Graham's singing voice emanating from somewhere downstairs. The grey of the British sky spilled in through the sheer curtains, and illuminated the room with a whimsical, dull, suffocating cloud of sadness. John heaved a weighted sigh and rolled over, knowing soon that he was going to have to go and check that Graham was not on the brink of burning down the house.

"John?" Graham called from downstairs.

John pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced. "Graham, what are you doing in my house? It's 6:00am"

"I'm making you breakfast!"

"Couldn't you make David breakfast instead?"

"I did not wake up next to David so no, I couldn't"

John pinched the bridge of his nose once again. He screwed his eyes shut and resisted the urge to punch the wall.

"Are you coming down John? We have a meeting to be at for 10:00 o'clock"

"I'll be down in a minute, I need a shower"

When John arrived downstairs Graham had prepared bowls of porridge and an array of burnt toast for them both. John sighed, slinking into a chair. "Thanks"

"You don't seem awfully chipper this morning"

"I'm fine" John murmured over his porridge.

Graham sensed that he should not press any further. "Where's Connie?" he inquired.

John paused momentarily. "She's staying with her parents"

"Things not going to well with her? I noticed all of her clothes had disappeared from her wardrobe"

"Why on earth were you in our wardrobe?"

"I was looking for a shirt, I seem to have misplaced mine after last night, probably for the best, it was all tattered and covered in – well I'm not entirely sure you want to know what"

"I don't."

After a pregnant interval filled only with an uncomfortable silence and the sounds of slurping porridge. "So, you were cuddling Michael a lot yesterday"

"He was upset. I was just doing what any kind person would do" John mumbled between a mouthful of cereal.

"We both know that you certainly don't fall into the category of 'nice people', old chap"

John glared.

"It seems as if somebody has developed a want for more than just a platonic relationship with our lumberjack"

"Shut up Gray"

"I'm only saying, you can't pretend that you're not gay forever."

"I can and I plan on it"

"John, if things aren't working out with Connie then simply divorce her, you'll both be so MUCH Happier. And then, you can finally shag Michael"

"Funnily enough Gray I'm not just looking for a cheap fuck like you do"

Graham flinched slightly, but didn't let it show. "I'm just not a fan of the monogamous lifestyle most people live"

"I've noticed"

"We've gotten slightly off track John, let's get back to discussing your crush on Michael"

"No Graham let's not" John sulked as he slammed his dish into the sink.

"John, why on earth won't you just admit that you're gay?"

"Because I'm not!"

"You've never found Connie attractive not once in your life John, she sent you to get tested for erectile dysfunction because you couldn't get it up for her"

John grimaced at that memory, if any of the other Python's found out about that experience there would definitely be a sketch about it.

"I'm not gay Graham."

"Have you ever found women attractive?"

John groaned, defeated. "Not really"

"And do you find Michael attractive?"

John groaned, defeated again. "Yes."


End file.
